Stripped down

I got my concealed gun permit  and wet over to the gun shop to get a small pistol for home protection

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets,t he cashier said: “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the manager later, I did just as she instructed.

When the hysterial shrieking finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.

Ang mga hugot

Matuto kang magpahalaga sa taong nagpapakatanga sa iyo. Tandaan mo, bilang na lang ang mga taong seryoso at hindi lahat iyon, ikaw ang gusto.
-o-
Na TRAIN TO BUSAN ka na ba?
Yung TRAINaTO ka lang niyang kaibigan, pero ikaw, minahal mo siya nang luBUSAN?
-o-
Minsan kung kailan ka lumalaban saka ka naman nasasaktan, kung kailan ka natututong magmahal saka ka iniiwan. Kung kailan ka nagseseryoso saka ka niloloko.
Saan ka ba lulugar? Doon sa mali na masaya ka o sa tama na lumuluha ka?
-o-
Tandaan mo, hindi mo na kailangang magpa-impress, magpapansin, magpaganda o magpacute. Kasi kung mahal ka talaga niya kahit wala kang gawin, ikaw pa rin ang pinaka magandang babae sa buhay niya
-o-
May papel ka nga sa buhay niya, scratch paper nga lang.
-o-
Minahal kita ng Pak na Pak. Tapos iiwan mo'ko ng Ganern Ganern lang?
-o-
And finally...
Alam mo yung feeling na sabay tayong nahulog? Ako sa iyo at ikaw naman sa kanal? Hahaha akala mo hugot na naman!

Old wisdom

Mga kasabihan ni Lola:
Hindi lahat ng party masaya.
Ang 3rd party ba masaya?
Hindi lahat ng 13 ay malas.
Ang 13th month pay ba aymalas?
Hindi lahat ng positive ay masaya. Ang HIV positive ba ay masaya?
Hindi lahat ng hinog ay masustansiya.
Ang pigsa ba masustansiya?

Question and Answer

Question: Kung vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng gulay, ano ang twag sa kumakain ng tao?

Answer: Humanitarian
Question: Ano naman ang plural ng rice?

Answer: Extra rice.
Question: Ano ang masarap sa mga bading, itlog ng pugo o itlog ng bibe?
Answer: Itlog ng pogi.
Shorts
Seen: A sign at a karinderia saying:
Mahigpit pong ipinagbabawal ngayon ang mangutang. Natuklasan pong kumakalat na sakit na… Amnesia.
-o-
Question: Where in the Bible that says all men must make coffee for their women?
Answer: The Book of Hebrews.

Ano nga ba ‘yon?

Isang bagong saltang Pinoy ang naghanap ng manok sa isang US supermarket.
Paikot-ikot siya pero hindi niya makita ito.
Dahil nakalimutan niyang sabihin ang manok sa English, kumuha siya ng isang itlog at tinanong ang casher: “Where mother?”
Ang sagot ng cashier, na Pinay pala: “No more mother! You like father?” Sabay turo sa chicken sausages.

Definitions of having sex

When three people have sex, it’s called a threesome.
When two people have sex, it’s called a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome.

Ang regalo ni misis

Napansin ni Edong ang kaibigang si Noel na malungkot habang nag-iisang kumakain sa karinderya ni Aling Uping.

Edong: Malungkot ka yata.

Noel: Hindi ko kasi maintindihan ang mga babae.

Edong: Bakit, ano’ng nangyari?
\
Noel: Kagabi kasi, sinabi ng asawa ko na dahil birthday ko, maari daw gawin ko sa kanya ang anumang gusto ko. Ayun, Pinatulog ko muna sa nanay niya. Ngayon ayaw niya akong kausapin.

Pinoy Jokes

Hindi niya type
Si Lisa ay nagdadalawang-isip kung matitipuhan niya ang kanyang ka-blind date.
Kaya naman naghanda siya ng gimik, upang kapag pangit ang lalaking makikilala niya ay hindi na siya mag-aksaya pa ng oras. Nag-schedule siya na mag-ring ang telepono niya sa takdang oras, kunwari ay sasagutin niya at ipaparinig sa ka-date: “’Nay, anong nangyari sa iyo? Okay ka ba?”
Puwede nang gawing excuse iyan upang humahangos na iwanan ang kanyang ka-date.
Kinagabihan, nagkita ng nga ang magka-blind date.
Wala pang isang oras, tumunog ang telepono ng ka-blind date  ni Lisa. Agad itong sumagot: “’Nay, anong nangyari sa iyo? Okay ka ba?”
At humahangos na nagpaaalam sa kanya.

Shorts
Nag-away ang magt-asawa. Tumawag si misis sa nanay noya. “’Nay, uuwi ako diyan. Nag-away na naman kami ng asawa ko,” ika niya.
Nagalit Si Nanay: Hayaan mong pagbayaran niya ang kamalian niya. Lilipat ako diyan!”
-o-
Nag-iwan ng sulat ang tooth fairy kay bunso:
Dumaan ako diyan kagabi para kunin ang ngipin mo. Pero hindi ko nagawang pumasok dahil makalat ang kuwarto mo. Babalik ako bukas ng gabi, para kunin ang ngipin mo. Pero dapat malinis na ang kuwarto mo.”
Naging malinis nga ang kuwarto  ni bunso na hindi inuutusan ng ina niya.
-o-
Nag-imbita si Sendong sa BFF niya, via text: Daan ka dito may bisita ako mamaya na walang gagawin kundi magbasa ng kanilang FB.
-o-
Lasing #1: Naglalaro ka ba ng mapanganib na sport?
Lasing #2: Oo. Minsan nagkikipag-away ako sa asawa ko.
-o-
The relationship between husband and wife is  psychological.
One is psycho,  the other is logical.
-o-
Forget Pokemon Go. If you want to chase down little monsters all day, stay at home with the kids.
-o-
Kanta ni bunso kay yaya:
Every snack you make,
Every meal you bake,
Every bite you take,
I’ll be watching you!

Padala
Feeling romantic si misis kaya nagpadala ng text sa asawa niya:
“Kung natutulog ka, padalhan mo ako ng kapiraso mong panaginip.
“Kung tumatawa ka, padalhan mo ako ng iyong ngiti.
“Kung umiiyak ka, padalhan mo ako ng iyong luha.
“Lab na lab kita.”
Sumagot si Mister: “Nasa kubeta ako. Ano gusto mo mula dito?”

Wong sound 
Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth.
“Nurse,” he mumbles. “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them Sir.”
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully. ‘Are-my-test-re-sults-back?’.”

Pinoy Jokes

Pokemon jokes

Lady on why she is still single: I‘m 25 and I prefer to search Pokémon instead of true love.
-o-
A man wearing a Pikachu hat got arrested for jumping the White House fence. He claimed there was a Bolbasaur.

Quickies
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos.."*poof!*. He disappears without a tres.
-o-
Question: What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
Answer: A condescending con descending.
-o-
Question: Where did Noah keep his bees?
Answer: In the Ark hives.
-o-
Question: Pwede bang mag softdrink kapag coffee break?
-o-
Marriage is a workshop. The husband works and the wife shops.
-o-
Dance like no one is watching. Because they’re not; they’re checking their phones.
-o-
Two old men are drinking in a bar. One says, “Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a day?”
“Aww, darn!” says his friend, “and I just joined Rotary!”

Grown up
A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
“You need to use 'Big People’s words,” she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!” She then asked Miguel what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.”
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That's WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the SH*T.”

Elementary
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitch a tent under the stars and go to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and saya:"Watson, look up the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes asks: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replies: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth, there might also be life."
Holmes answers: "Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."

Oldies’ fun

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing,” I said.
Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was “only thinking of me,” she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got  home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She telephoned  me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“Oh man, I’m in trouble again; I really don’t know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week.”
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

The laws
1 . Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity. Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability. The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers. If you dial the wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law. If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the  Bath. When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters. The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result. When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena . At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11.The Coffee Law. As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers. If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces. The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument. Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance. If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16.Law of Public Speaking . A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy. As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law. If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Shorties

Pilipino can be more meaningful than English. Just one example:
English: Don’t be shy. Feel at home.
Pilipino: Kapalan ‘nyo mukha ‘nyo. Feel at home kayo diyan!
-o-
Manager: Why haven’t you written your mobile number in your application form?
Girl: Because I already have a boyfriend.
-o-
Spotted on Twitter: I tried committing suicide today. Never going to do it again. I almost killed myself.
-o-
Snaccident (n):
Eating an entire box of chocolates by mistake.
-o-
Women with straight hair want curls. Women with curls want straight hair.
Men are simpler: They just want the hair on  their head to stay.
-o-
Maybe if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.

Sagutan
Mga aktwal na sagot sa programang Wowowee...
1. Q: "Ano sa Tagalog ang teeth?" A: "Utong!"
2. Q: "Kung ang light ay ilaw, ano naman ang lightning?" A: "Umiilaw!"
3. Q: "Kung vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng gulay, ano ang tawag sa kumakain ng tao? A: "Humanitarian?"
4. Q: "Sina Michael at Raphael ay mga." A: "Ninja?"
5. Q: "Ano ang karaniwang kasunod ng kidlat?" A: "Sunog!"
6. Q: "Magbigay ng sikat na Willie." A: "Willie da pooh!"
7. Q: "Ang mga Hindu ay galing sa aling bansa?" A: "Hindunesia?"
8. Q: "Anong hayop si King Kong?" A: "Pagong!"
9. Q: "Magbigay ng mabahong pagkain." A: "Tae!"
10. Q: "Saang bansa matatagpuan ang mga Canadians?" A: "Canadia!"
11. Q: "Kumpletuhin - Little Red." A: "Ribbon!"
12 Q: "Ano ang tinatanggal sa itlog bago ito kainin?" A: "Buhok?"
13. Q: "Magbigay ng pagkain na dumidikit sa ngipin." A: "Tinga!"
14. Q: "Anong oras kadalasang pinapatay ang TV?" A: "Pag balita?"
15. Q: "Ano ang tawag mo sa anak ng taong grasa?" A: "Baby oil?"
16. Q: "Saan karaniwang ginagawa ang mga sweets na ginagamit sa halu-halo?" A: "Sweetserland?"
17. Q: "Sinong higanteng G ang tinalo ni David?" A: "Godzilla?"
18. Q: "Ano ang mas malaki, itlog ng ibon o sanggol ng tao?" A: "Itlog ng tao!"
19. Q: "Anong S ang tawag sa duktor nag nago-opera?" A: "Sadista?"
20. Q: "Blank is the best policy." A: "Ice tea?"
22. Q: "Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?" A: "Sa likod!"
23. Q: "Fill in the blanks - Beauty is in the eye of the ____." A: "Tiger?"
24. Q: "Ano ang kinakain ng monkey-eating eagle?" A: "Saging!"
25. Q: "Kung ang suka ay vinegar, ano naman ang Inggles ng toyo?" A: "Baliw!"
26. Q: "Anong tawag mo sa kapatid ng nanay mo?" A: "Kamag-anak!"
27. Q: "Saan nakukuha ang sakit na AIDS?" A: "Sa motel?"
28. Q: "Kung ang H2O ay water, ano naman ang CO2?" A: "Cold water!"
29. Q: "Sinong cartoon character ang sumisigaw ng yabba dabba doo?" A: "Si scooby dooby doo?"
30. Q: "Heto na si kaka, bubuka-bukaka." A: "Operadang bakla?"
31. Q: "Ilan ang bituin sa American flag?" A: "Madami!"
32. Q: "Ano ang tawag mo sa taong isa lang ang mata?" A: "Abnormal!"

Short and sweet

Boy: Baril ka ba?

Girl: Alam ko na ‘yan. Kasi mukhang tunamaan ka sa akin?
Boy: Hindi. Ang lakas kasi ng putok mo.
-o-
Guy 1: I jUst left my job. I couldn’t work after what my boss saId to me.
Guy 2: What did he say to you?
Guy 1: You are fired!
-o-
Mom: You have two options for dinner.
Dad: What are they?
Mom: Eat it or go hungry.
-o-
Whoever thinks money does not bring happiness, please transfer  it to my account.
-o-
Teacher: Class, our topic today is genetics. Question: What do you call the child of a girl from Iceland and a boy from Cuba.
Class: What?
Teacher: Ice cube!
-o-
Boy friend.
You see that little space between the two words? That’s called “friend zone”.
-o-
When you clean a vaccum cleaner, you become a “vaccum cleaner”.
-o-
Behind every angry woman stands a man, who have absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
-o-
I want a girl who likes long romantic walks. Because I don’t have a car.
-o-
Manager: So why do you want this job?
Applicant: Because I always have been passionate about not starving to death.
-o-
Professor: What inspired you to write  this eassy?
Student: The deadline.
-o-
New rule being proposed:
Peo-le should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies  they take.
-o-
Says a graduating high school student: I’m gonna stay a virgin for life so I can set a good example for my children.
-o-
Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t listening, in the first place.
-o-
During disaster, women and children are evacuated first.
The reason: So the men can think of a solution in silence.
-o-
One day in Mars lasts 1,408 hours.
It’s the same as Monday on Earth.
-o-
When an application form asks who to contact in an emergency, I always put ambulance of police. I mean, what can my mother do in an emergency?