Lady on why she is still single: I‘m 25 and I prefer to search Pokémon instead of true love.
-o-
A man wearing a Pikachu hat got arrested for jumping the White House fence. He claimed there was a Bolbasaur.
Quickies
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos.."*poof!*. He disappears without a tres.
-o-
Question: What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
Answer: A condescending con descending.
-o-
Question: Where did Noah keep his bees?
Answer: In the Ark hives.
-o-
Question: Pwede bang mag softdrink kapag coffee break?
-o-
Marriage is a workshop. The husband works and the wife shops.
-o-
Dance like no one is watching. Because they’re not; they’re checking their phones.
-o-
Two old men are drinking in a bar. One says, “Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a day?”
“Aww, darn!” says his friend, “and I just joined Rotary!”
Grown up
A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
“You need to use 'Big People’s words,” she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!” She then asked Miguel what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.”
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That's WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the SH*T.”
Elementary
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitch a tent under the stars and go to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and saya:"Watson, look up the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes asks: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replies: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth, there might also be life."
Holmes answers: "Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
